STOKE-ON-TRENT City Council is considering getting rid of
its toilets. Not for staff – passers-by needn’t fear walking below open windows
at the Civic Offices – but the public facility in Hanley.
This iconic building, based loosely on the Temple of Zeus
at Cyrene, has been coming to the rescue of cross-legged shoppers for decades.
Who amongst us has never emitted a satisfying ‘Ahhh!’ while bathing in its UV
violet light to stop drug users shooting up in the corner?
The authority’s plan is to save £20,000 by encouraging
businesses to allow the brim-bladdered to relieve themselves on their premises
instead.
Which exact business will be asked to partake in the
scheme is unclear, although few would wish to have Betty from Halmer End burst
in while discussing delicate divorce proceedings with a city centre solicitor.
I’ll be frank in admitting my bladder ain’t what it used
to be. If it was an outside tap I’d have got a plumber in.
Few visits to Hanley are carried out without a visit to
the Stafford Street lavatory block. Indeed, if I’ve had one too many cuppas
before setting out, I impose a rule on myself not to venture outside a zone of
100 metres.
As city centre toilets go they aren’t bad. Yes, you wouldn’t
stage a landmark birthday in them, but as a rule they’re both functional and
clean.
Admittedly, I have, like many, on occasion, nipped in and
used the facilities in a pub instead. But I’m never hugely comfortable with
this scenario. It’s not uncommon to feel the wrath of the proprietor, and
understandably so if you happen to be in charge of a busload of octogenarians
heading for the bingo.
I have even integrated myself into pub life simply to
justify using their toilet. I am now a member of five different darts teams and
am halfway through the 12-step plan to recovery.
Even with the offer of a subsidy, some businesses have
given the plan a cool reception. Cafés, for example, work hard to create a
certain ambience. And you can see how that might easily be disturbed if there’s
no public facilities available during a march by the English Defence League.
Really, many would say a public toilet in a city centre
is a basic requirement. And £20,000 – well, it’s a drop in the ocean, if you’ll
pardon the phrase.
I mean, it’s not like those luxury facilities at the old
bus station are available anymore. I had a great affection for those toilets.
In fact, I was good friends with some of the bouncers.
If we’re not careful we’re going to end up like France.
And while Hanley would like to be compared with Paris, it’d not be for grown
men hosing down the gutters. They don’t even seem to have those ones you stand
in and peek over the top anymore. Which is a shame because I think they were a
good idea, and one which I’d encourage the city council to introduce here. If
nothing else it’d give the men something to do while their partners were
choosing a skirt in Marks & Spencer.
I can’t honestly see the closure going through. I mean,
it only gives rise to another problem – what to do with the building? A town
can only take so many Wetherspoons. And I don’t envisage many other businesses
queuing up to take it over. Certainly I can’t see it doing well as a bridal
salon.
I see that toilet block as cash well spent, not money
down the drain. Let’s face it, we’ve all had occasions, lumbered with shopping,
feet in agony, stiletto snapped in an escalator, when it’s been the most
satisfying thing about a trip up town.
