tv review – mon jan 14

Woodhouse – tv review – mon jan 14

Dancing On Ice – ITV1

DANCING On Ice looks a little tame now ITV has started launching celebrities off 10-metre diving boards on Saturday nights. Maybe next year they could cut their losses and combine the two. I’m thinking Celebrity Ski-Jumping. Instead of Splash!, Thud!. Certainly they’d guarantee my patronage if they could promise to fire Chris Moyles down a slope into a frozen waste at 60 miles an hour.

The show got off to an inauspicious start last week. Pamela Anderson was forced to re-evaluate her definition of ‘career low’ – previously when she was attacked by a killer prawn in Baywatch - as she lost to Keith Chegwin in a skate-off. Adding insult to injury, not only did Chegwin perform better but he has a superior bust.

Week one and the show had lost its only A-list star. On the plus-side Joe Pasquale was still in there.

This week saw Anthea Turner take to the ice. She’s been practising for three months and I’ve been disappointed not to see her dazzling the crowds with a triple salco the last couple of times I’ve taken the kids to the skating rink at Uttoxeter.

“If Pamela Anderson can go out in week one,” noted Anthea, “then anything can happen.” True. Although I’m not holding my breath for Cheggers to make the Olympics.

Anthea was kept sweating backstage. Rugby star Gareth Thomas, Pasquale, boxer Luke Campbell, even Oona King, went before. “Who’d have thought we’d have a member of the House of Lords on Dancing On Ice?” said commentator Tony Gubba. Although if they were determined to lure a member of the upper chamber on to the show, surely they should have thrown some cash at Norman Tebbit.

“Have we saved the best til last?” wondered Christine Bleakley, as Anthea’s big moment neared. “I don’t know about that,” replied Anthea, “but I’m going to try and polish that ice.” I’ve an idea she thought it was curling.

“If I’m doing something, “ she said, “I want to do it well. I am competitive. I have to come up trumps.”

Gubba was certainly impressed her routine. “A half drape, followed by a cradle, push-me-pull- me, then a back roll-up.” Why he was reading a homeware catalogue I’m unsure.

And the judges too were pleased with what they saw. Although Jason Gardiner clearly never used to watch Blue Peter. “Is it Anthea?”he asked woundingly before delivering his verdict.

Having established her identity, Gardiner was generous, with reservations. “You looked beautiful out there,” he said. “What I’d like is for you to unfurl a little bit more.”

She’s a TV presenter, mate. Not a carpet.