Woodhouse - Tue tv rev jan 8

 

Embarrassing Fat Bodies – C4

 

“WHEN I've got my clothes on I'm a different person,” said Gary. “It's when I've not got my clothes on that the problems arise.” You’re not alone in that, mate. Last time I saw myself naked in the mirror I thought it was Gollum with man boobs.

At least obesity has passed me by. The sprout and baked bean diet may not win you many friends but it keeps you trim.

Shockingly, though, 30 million adults in the UK are overweight. No wonder the cost of air travel is going up.

Embarrassing Fat Bodies hopes to go some way to curing the phenomena. “We’re on a mission,” said Dr Christian, “to get the couch potatoes of this nation up off their bottoms.” And he didn’t mean to fetch another tube of Pringles.

“With one in four obese,” he continued, “we're looking at how these extra pounds take their toll between the sheets.” You know the extra weight’s causing problems when your double divan becomes a futon.  

Gary had weighed 40 stone. But he’d lost 26 after having a brainwave. “I decided to cycle to work and back,” he said. I can only think he lived in Land’s End and worked in John O’Groats.

“Getting on the bike was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” he said. “Just physically moving it was a struggle.” Where’s Dave Brailsford when you need him?

However, such a massive weight loss had left him with a great fold of loose skin. Clothes off, he looked like a popped sumo wrestler. “Intimacy's a real big problem,” he said. No woman wants to see her man contain his torso with bicycle clips.

Sadly, more exercise wasn’t going to work. “You could do the Tour de France 20 times over,” Dr Pixie told him, “and it isn’t going to shift it.” Although some of the more extreme drugs in the peloton might have a chance.

Gary was sent for surgery. He now uses his old skin to keep the frost off his car in winter.

Down at the pub, meanwhile, Dr Christian was assessing the virility of darts players Colin, Kevin, and Andy. Although if darts players were desperate for a great sex life surely they wouldn’t wear nylon T-shirts.

Unlikely to be mistaken for a boyband, Colin, Kevin, and Andy were knocking back lager and wine on a nightly basis. “One pint is the equivalent of a small portion of fries,” they were informed.

I’m not sure the warning sank in. My suspicion is Colin, Kevin, and Andy saw it as a reason to stay in the pub and not go to the chip-shop.