Great Northern Cookbook – Five

“NORTHERN grub is my passion,” claims former Coronation Street actor Sean Wilson. Although since he isn’t morbidly obese, I’m not entirely sure I believe him.

“I like to think I know everything there is to know about it,” he adds. Again, I’d question this statement. At no point of this lard-laden series have I seen anyone mop up their excess gravy with a slice of white bread.

Northern dishes, claims Wilson, “is proper food for proper people.” When he says ‘proper people’, he means those with blocked arteries.

This week, he started by cooking up a pork loin dinner for a group of civic dignitaries travelling from Crewe to North Yorkshire on steam train the Scarborough Flyer.

There was conjecture among the passengers as to whether he was up to the task. “Can he cook?” pondered one. “A lot of people spend 20 or 30 years getting to this standard of cooking.” But enough of Bernard Matthews.

Certainly conditions weren’t ideal. “I’m starting to realise that preparing a full roast dinner at high speed in a tiny kitchen is a massively ambitious plan.” My wife said something similar when I asked her to cook something while travelling down the M5 ready for when we arrived at the caravan site.

He was having particular trouble with his cheesecake. It hadn’t quite set and had sheets of gelatine in it. On the plus-side there was no horsemeat.

“This is every chef’s worst nightmare,” said Wilson, “turning out a meal that people refuse to eat.” And you’d have to say if this is the stuff Gail was serving up on a daily basis, no wonder he left Coronation Street.

Crewe Mayor Margaret Martin did her best to be diplomatic but couldn’t help mention the cheesecake’s presentation woes. I’m not saying it was a mess, but it looked like the Vienetta factory had exploded.

Wilson tried to defend himself. “The presentation was difficult,” he explained, “because we were doing 75mph at the time.” They’re doing 570 in a jumbo jet, mate, and they seem to manage.

In fact it wasn’t a great journey all round for Wilson. After Scarborough he headed for Blackpool to revive interest in an old northern favourite. Not Stan Boardman, black pudding.

“A mix of pigs’ blood, fat, herbs and spices,” he said, “it’s been made to recipes that have changed very little since medieval times.” Sorry, mate, you’re just not selling it to me.

He reintroduced it to the breakfast table of a B&B, but the guests sent it back. Great Northern Cookbook was possibly the least successful celebrity chef tie-up since the Galloping Gourmet got involved with Tesco.